I have attempted to write this SEVERAL times. You see, at the time of this writing, my boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me one month ago today. And in the spirit of being transparent, you should know it was incredibly painful. I cried every day up until for at least a month. Trying to move forward “to get this email out,” I sat in front of my computer to write. However, each time I did, the words just didn’t come out the way I wanted them too. Nevertheless, I tried again, and again, and again. Finally, Spirit spoke up saying, “You know, if you can’t write, it’s ok to wait ‘til it feels right.” So, I did. And, here I am finally able to get the words across my screen.
I share my personal life with you because as a healing practitioner, I believe it’s important to be authentic and vulnerable. I feel it’s honest to share my vulnerabilities, to let others know about my mistakes, and to let them know that I’m not perfect and that I fuck up too. Many of you are my friends and amazing, beautiful people that I’ve met at various events. Writing helps me feel connected to you and helps me process as well. So, I share, in hopes that my insights and “aha’s” into my own evolution, helps you in your own.
There’s no way around it. Breakups suck! They’re not nice and neat and pretty. They’re messy and chaotic and tumultuous. However, despite all the gut wrenching, soul sucking, straight through the heart painfulness, we can make our way through them.
Here is what I did to start the healing process:
I let go of the embarrassment of “needing others.” I allowed my friends to see me in a very raw and vulnerable state with “ugly cry-face,” and all the hardcore sobbing that goes with it. I accepted them holding space for me, and all their love and hugs and healing vibes of support. I’m sooo very grateful for those people in my life. I also reached out to my mentors to guide me through when I was unable to guide myself. I’m thankful that I have been led to them by Spirit.
Rather than letting those thoughts of “I failed again” or “What’s wrong with me?” running away and spiraling out of control, I gave myself grace. I stopped and asked myself what do I need to learn and how can I grow from this? Spirit and I had a real long talk about that one.
I didn’t resist and push down any feelings or the need to cry, I allowed the tears and the feelings to flow like a waterfall. Pushing them down does more harm than good. Doing that doesn’t allow us to process and move forward. All that energy ends up getting stored in our cells and bodies and can manifest into other not so nice things. So as excruciating as it was, I mustered up the courage and let in all the feels.
I meditated a ton (including a “calling back my energy” meditation), journaled and burned, wrote unsent letters, and worked with my inner child to help see unmet needs and patterns that I might have been bringing to the relationship.
NO contact with ex. As much as I loved him, it was important for my healing to set clear boundaries. It provided me with time to start healing emotionally and the chance to reflect, and gain perspective and clarity on the relationship. I can see things as they are, not how I thought they were. It also gave me time to focus on my own needs which may have been neglected during the relationship.
I’m forgiving myself for not following my intuition when things started feeling off, a couple months earlier. I doubted myself even though my gut was screaming it and I was getting messages from Spirit. Instead, I made excuses and trusted his words even though his actions weren’t really matching.
I let go. That was very difficult for me. I resisted it for awhile. I was afraid that if I let go, I was closing the door to any possibility of maybe getting back together. But, even if that were the case, I would want a new kind of relationship anyway. So, I completely let go of him to make space for something new and better, and completely amazing-whether that be with a new person, or the very slim chance of getting back together with him.
Finally, I gave gratitude for the experience and the lessons I learned. I thanked my ex’s higher self for the time shared and the lessons taught, and wished him well on his journey.
It can be easy staying in an relationship that may not be working. It may seem easier living in uncomfortableness than facing the pain, loss, and grief of utter heartbreak. But that is not how I choose to live my life. In the end, if a person doesn’t want to be with you, there’s really nothing we can do about it. Rather than force the issue, or beg and plead, I choose to lean into it, embrace and accept, and be open to bigger, better, and greater things.